Day 12: Who's goal is it?

I once worked with a business woman who said that her goal was to stop doing house chores at midnight.  As an example she told me a story about arriving home from a holiday abroad  late one night and the first thing she did was to empty the family's suitcases and put the washer on, despite her husband telling her to relax and that it would all get done in the morning.  At first I thought this seemed a very sensible goal (who would want to do washing at midnight?) but as we started the process of goal clarification (See Tip 2) it became clear that this wasn't what she wanted at all.  What transpired was that she wanted her family to stop moaning at her for doing house chores at midnight.  It actually suited her to do the chores then, because she had more time in the day to do what she wanted, she just didn't want the hassle of people moaning and telling her off.  Once she had decided what her real goal was, she was able to take effective action.

One way to check that you have set our own goal (rather than what someone else wants for you) is to examine the language in which you describe it.  Ask yourself a few questions like 'Why is this a goal for me?', 'What would it achieve?' or 'Why is this important?'.  Listen to (or write down) the answers you give yourself.  If you find yourself using words like 'need', 'must', 'ought' or 'should' then two things are very likely to be apparent.  First, the goal is not yours, it is probably someone else's idea of what is good for you, and second, it is unlikely that you have enough commitment to the goal to see it through.  So the next tip is:

Tip 12:  Want your goal don't need it.

This is another simple technique for checking your commitment to your goal and also making sure that you have set the right goal for you.  Adopting language like 'Want to' rather than 'have to' or 'desire' rather than 'must' or 'could' rather than 'should' will make your goal more personal and more compelling to you.  If you find you can't bring yourself to use this language, it might be that you have not set an appropriate goal.  (If you really should give up smoking, you might understand that it makes sense to do so, but you have no commitment to actually do it.  Ask yourself 'Who says so?' - if the answer is someone other than you, change your goal).

Using language like 'want', 'could' etc is to be much kinder on yourself.  It also gives you more choice and flexibility as you pursue your goal.  If you absolutely have to do something, then there is little flexibility and a lot more pressure.  Be kind to yourself and you are much more likely to succeed.